FFIX: Brahne, Brahne, Thank You, Ma'am
by Bankotsubo
Summary: After it becomes apparent that Queen Brahne needs a man in her life, Dagger invites the town's most eligible bachelors over to the castle for dinner. Steiner escorts the Queen to the party, where she finds herself falling head over heels in love with Mast


DISCLAIMER: FFIX and all its related characters, including Baku, are the property of Squaresoft.   
  
  
FFIX: Brahne, Brahne, Thank You, Ma'am   
  
EXT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - EVENING   
  
ZIDANE, DAGGER, STEINER, BEATRIX, FRATLEY AND FREYA are all together down by the moat. Each male has their female partner in their arms, and they cuddle up tightly. QUEEN BRAHNE looks down from high above the castle walls.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
(Sighs)   
"Everyone has someone... it seems that all I see lately is people in love, but... surely there must be someone for the Queen of Alexandria. There must be somebody out there for someone like me."   
  
An ALEXANDRIAN SOLDIER walks out onto the balcony.   
  
ALEXANDRIAN SOLDIER   
"Your Majesty, I have prepared your night gown for beddy-bed-time. Would you like a hot mug of tea before you turn in for the night?"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Yes."   
  
ALEXANDRIAN SOLDIER   
"As you wish, ma'am."   
  
She turns to leave, but Queen Brahne calls out to her.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"You there. Soldier. Hold it right there."   
  
ALEXANDRIA SOLDIER   
(Stops)   
"Yes, my Queen?"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Do you... do you think I'm attractive?"   
  
ALEXANDRIAN SOLDIER   
"Um... of-of course, Your Majesty."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Honestly? You know how much I hate liers, soldier."   
  
ALEXANDRIAN SOLDIER   
"I-I'm not lying, Your Majesty! Yo-You're a very attractive woman!"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"You really think so?"   
  
ALEXANDRIAN SOLDIER   
"I-I would not lie, Your Majesty."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Hmph! What would you know anyway?! You're not even a man!"   
  
ALEXANDRIAN SOLDIER   
"I-I'll make your tea then, shall I?"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"...Yes."   
  
The soldier walks back into the castle. Queen Brahne sighs, and then walks back inside too. Pan over to the couples on the side of the moat.   
  
ZIDANE   
"Say Dagger, how's about we retire to the bedroom, baby?"   
  
DAGGER   
"Oh Zidane! Okay!"   
  
They get up and run towards the castle.   
  
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - EVENING   
  
Zidane and Dagger walk into the bedroom. They walk O.S and return in their evening wear. They both get into bed.   
  
ZIDANE   
"Well, g'night!"   
  
DAGGER   
"Good night!"   
  
Dagger turns off the light and they both fall asleep.   
  
INT. DINNING ROOM - NEXT MORNING   
  
Steiner and VIVI are sitting at the dinning room table. QUINA walks in and gives them their breakfast. Zidane and Dagger walk in and sit down.   
  
STEINER   
"Good morning, Princess."   
  
DAGGER   
"Good morning, Steiner. What's for breakfast today?"   
  
QUINA   
"Oglop soup!"   
  
VIVI   
"Urgh..."   
  
QUINA   
"Why you say that, Vivi?"   
  
VIVI   
"I had a bad experience with oglops once..."   
  
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - FLASHBACK   
  
Quina begins to fry some of the oglops. Vivi turns around and walks back into the kitchen.   
  
QUINA   
"What now?! Me very busy!"   
  
VIVI   
"Uh, Quina? Can I try one now?"   
  
QUINA   
"No, they not be ready for another seven hours yet! You go play with yourself until then!"   
  
VIVI   
"Well, what are they like raw?"   
  
QUINA   
"You want to taste raw oglop? You very brave!"   
  
VIVI   
"What do you mean, I'm very brave?"   
  
QUINA   
"Me never see anyone eat raw oglop before! Legend says person who eat raw oglop have terrible misfortune!"   
  
VIVI   
"So it's an old wives tale? I'm not afraid of stupid legends!"   
  
QUINA   
"You brave or crazy! I choose crazy! But if you want eat raw oglop that bad, then go ahead!"   
  
Vivi takes a dead oglop from the crate. He places it to his mouth.   
  
QUINA   
"Me cannot look!"   
  
Quina covers his eyes. S/he opens them again.   
  
QUINA   
"On second thought, me wouldn't miss this for world!"   
  
Vivi shakes for a short while, then finally plucks up the courage to eat the dead oglop.   
  
QUINA   
"...You not dead yet! So, it good?"   
  
VIVI   
"...Y'know, that was pretty nice! C-Can I have another?"   
  
QUINA   
"No, no! You no eat anymore! Me have to save rest for royal family!"   
  
VIVI   
"Aw, c'mon! Just one more!"   
  
QUINA   
"No! You leave now!"   
  
VIVI   
"Oh, alright!"   
  
INT. DINNING ROOM - (REALITY)   
  
Zidane looks confused.   
  
ZIDANE   
"That doesn't sound like such a bad experience. If ya ask me, it seemed like you enjoyed eatin' the oglop."   
  
VIVI   
"Y-Yeah, but if I hadn't eaten that dead oglop, then it's possible I would've never gone into Queen Brahne's uterus."   
  
INT. QUEEN BRAHNE'S UTERUS - FLASHBACK   
  
Vivi and PUCK climb into the grotesque uterus of Queen Brahne.   
  
PUCK   
"Holy crap! Where the hell are we?!"   
  
VIVI   
"It looks like... Queen Brahne's uterus."   
  
PUCK   
"This is her uterus?! Man, I thought we'd have more room than this!"   
  
VIVI   
"Well, we better get comfortable cause I think we're gonna be here for a long time."   
  
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - (REALITY)   
  
Zidane looks horrified.   
  
ZIDANE   
"Ew! Do we have to go over this story again?!"   
  
VIVI   
"Sorry, I just thought it'd be better for someone else to share that nightmarish memory."   
  
DAGGER   
"Please Vivi, you're putting people off their breakfast."   
  
Steiner gets up from the table.   
  
ZIDANE   
"Vivi's story too gross for you, Rusty?"   
  
STEINER   
"No, I have things to attend to. We can't all sit around all day like lazy bums."   
  
ZIDANE   
"Whaddya mean?! I do plenty around here!"   
  
STEINER   
"You never lift a finger to help!"   
  
ZIDANE   
"Yeah, well maybe that's cause whenever I do, bad stuff usually happens!"   
  
INT. BASEMENT - FLASHBACK   
  
Zidane is doing the laundry.   
  
ZIDANE   
(To himself)   
"Dammit! I hate laundry day! Nothin' but dirty old clothes and bad smellin' soap!"   
  
Zidane starts to scrub the laundry clean with a soap bar.   
  
ZIDANE   
(To himself)   
"I wish someone would invent some kinda machine that could make this job go quicker! I should talk to Regent Cid about it tomorrow..."   
  
Suddenly, a strange vortex opens up in the corner of the room. Zidane is amazed.   
  
ZIDANE   
"I'm amazed! What the hell is that thing?!"   
  
DAGGER (O.S)   
"Zidane, are you okay down there?"   
  
ZIDANE   
"Y-Yeah, I'm fine!"   
  
DAGGER (O.S)   
"When you've finished down there, can you come up and help me give Mother a bath?"   
  
ZIDANE   
"Queen Brahne?! Bath?! Oh, that isn't good!"   
  
DAGGER (O.S)   
"Zidane?"   
  
ZIDANE   
(To himself)   
"Oooh, what should I do?!"   
  
DAGGER (O.S)   
"I'm coming down!"   
  
ZIDANE   
"What the hell...?"   
  
He jumps into the vortex.   
  
EXT. ALCAULD PLAINS - FLASHBACK   
  
The vortex opens up in the sky and Zidane drops out onto the soft grass.   
  
ZIDANE   
"Holy crap! Where am I?!"   
  
He looks around the countryside. There is a small seaport town to his left, and to his right; a huge futuristic type building.   
  
ZIDANE   
"Is this the future?!"   
  
Just then, a BITE BUG flies right at him and tries to bite him.   
  
ZIDANE   
"Whoa! Get off me! Shoo! Piss off!"   
  
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - (REALITY)   
  
Steiner isn't impressed.   
  
STEINER   
"I have work to do. I shall bid you farewell."   
  
He leaves the dinning room.   
  
ZIDANE   
"He's so moody!"   
  
INT. QUEEN BRAHNE'S CHAMBER - DAY   
  
Queen Brahne is sitting on her throne. She holds up a small mirror to her face.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"My looks... they've withered away like an eggplant in early winter... I'm no longer the beautiful woman I used to be."   
  
She puts the mirror down.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Is this how I am destined to spend the rest of my life? I'm-I'm so alone..."   
  
Beatrix walks in.   
  
BEATRIX   
"Your Majesty, I-I know this is short notice, but do you think I may have the day off? You see, my father has just died and I... I wondered if I might be able to go home and comfort Mother."   
  
QUEEN BEATRIX   
"...No."   
  
BEATRIX   
"Pardon?"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"No, you may not take the day off. I need you here."   
  
BEATRIX   
"Why?!"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"...Because you're to give me a sponge bath later."   
  
BEATRIX   
"But Your Majesty, my father has died!"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"...And you think that is reason enough for you to have the day off when you are needed here?"   
  
BEATRIX   
"My-My father... died."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"...Go and run my bath, please."   
  
Beatrix walks off, bummed out.   
  
INT. HALLWAY - DAY   
  
Beatrix walks through the hallway with her head held low. Dagger approaches.   
  
DAGGER   
"Hello General Beatrix! Lovely morning, isn't it?"   
  
BEATRIX   
(Snaps)   
"Is it?!"   
  
DAGGER   
"Ergh! Are you okay?"   
  
BEATRIX   
"...I'm-I'm sorry, Princess, but I have just received some bad news. My father... he died four hours ago, unfortunately."   
  
DAGGER   
"Oh Beatrix, I'm really sorry to hear that."   
  
BEATRIX   
"Thank you."   
  
DAGGER   
"So I suppose you'll be going to spend a few days with your family now, right? That's okay, Steiner and the Knights of Pluto can cope."   
  
BEATRIX   
"Um... I'm afraid I won't be going anywhere, Princess. The Queen wishes for me to remain here."   
  
DAGGER   
"What?!"   
  
BEATRIX   
"Sh-She needs me. It can't be helped."   
  
DAGGER   
"You want to see your family, don't you?!"   
  
BEATRIX   
"Of course, I do. Although I cannot turn my back on the Queen."   
  
DAGGER   
"What the heck do you mean?! You need to see your family! I-I won't allow Mother to keep you from them like this! General Beatrix, you are dismissed!"   
  
BEATRIX   
"W-What?!"   
  
DAGGER   
"You are dismissed until further notice! You are to return to your family, and you are not to come back here until I call for you!"   
  
BEATRIX   
"Th-Thank you, Princess! I am eternally grateful!"   
  
Beatrix bows and then leaves.   
  
INT. QUEEN BRAHNE'S CHAMBER - DAY   
  
Queen Brahne is asleep on her throne. Dagger bursts in and wakes her up.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Ah, Garnet my dear! What brings you here?"   
  
DAGGER   
"Mother, I'm disgusted with you!"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Whatever for, dear?"   
  
DAGGER   
"How could you be so cruel to General Beatrix?! Her father had just died, for goodness sake!"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Oh, she came crying to you then, I see."   
  
DAGGER   
"It just so happens that I gave her some time off."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"What?!"   
  
DAGGER   
"She needed to be with her family at a time like this. I can't believe you'd be so insensitive."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Garnet, how dare you dismiss a member of my squadron without my permission?!"   
  
DAGGER   
"What's up with you lately, Mother?! You've been so cold and miserable."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"I have every right to be cold and miserable, Garnet. I'm the Queen of Alexandria; I can behave as I wish."   
  
DAGGER   
"You may be the Queen, but that still doesn't give you the right to treat people so badly."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Silence!"   
  
DAGGER   
"Mother... you've changed."   
  
INT. GARNET'S BEDROOM - NIGHT   
  
Zidane and Dagger are in bed. Zidane is asleep, while Dagger is sitting up. Zidane wakes up.   
  
ZIDANE   
"Mmm... Dagger, you still awake?"   
  
DAGGER   
"Yes. I couldn't sleep."   
  
ZIDANE   
"You wanna talk about it?"   
  
DAGGER   
"It's Mother. Something's wrong with her, I know it. She's been acting so weird these past few days, and I'm worried about her. I can't figure out what her problem is..."   
  
ZIDANE   
(Yawns)   
"Maybe she's lonely..."   
  
DAGGER   
"Lonely...?"   
  
ZIDANE   
"Yeah, I mean, when was the last time she had some good lovin'? She's probably just in need of a male companion."   
  
DAGGER   
"Zidane, you're a genius! Of course! Mother needs a man in her life! And I think I know how we can set her up with the perfect match! I'll organise a surprise dinner party tomorrow night, and invite only the most eligible bachelors in the neighbourhood! Then Mother will have a chance to find the perfect partner, whom she can spend some quality time with! Zidane, I could kiss you!"   
  
She looks over to Zidane, who's fallen asleep again.   
  
DAGGER   
"Oh, never mind."   
  
She rubs her hands gleefully.   
  
DAGGER   
"Hee hee!"   
  
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - NEXT DAY   
  
Zidane and Steiner are in the dinning room. Dagger walks in.   
  
DAGGER   
"Well, it's all set up for tonight. Quina's prepared the food, and I've called up the most eligible bachelors in town and they've all agreed to come over for the party."   
  
ZIDANE   
"Gee, they must be pretty desperate if they wanna date Queen Fat-ass!"   
  
STEINER/DAGGER   
"Zidane, do not speak ill of the Queen!"   
  
ZIDANE   
"Oops! Sorry!"   
  
DAGGER   
"Steiner, I'll need you to make sure Mother is down here for 19:00hrs, okay?"   
  
STEINER   
"I will not let you down, Princess."   
  
ZIDANE   
"You better not, Rusty!"   
  
DAGGER   
"Oh, and Zidane, please try to behave tonight, alright?"   
  
ZIDANE   
"Me behave? Whaddya mean?"   
  
DAGGER   
"You and I will be attending the party, too."   
  
ZIDANE   
"What?! Aw, man! Why?!"   
  
DAGGER   
"Because... well, just because, that's all."   
  
ZIDANE   
"Dammit!"   
  
EXT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - EVENING   
  
BAKU rings the front doorbell. Dagger answers.   
  
DAGGER   
"Oh, hello Baku!"   
  
BAKU   
"Yo, this where the party's goin' on?"   
  
DAGGER   
"It certainly is. Come on in."   
  
He walks inside.   
  
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - EVENING   
  
Baku and Dagger are in the hall.   
  
BAKU   
(Hands her a bottle)   
"I brought a bottle o' cheap wine."   
  
DAGGER   
"Uh, well thank you, Baku. It's most appreciated."   
  
BAKU   
(Points towards the dinning room)   
"The party in there?"   
  
DAGGER   
"Yes. Go on through."   
  
Baku walks off towards the dinning room. Dagger opens up the cupboard under the stairs, looks around nervously, then throws the bottle of wine inside.   
  
INT. QUEEN BRAHNE'S CHAMBER - EVENING   
  
Queen Brahne is sitting on her throne. Steiner walks in.   
  
STEINER   
"Your Majesty, I have come for you."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Who are you?"   
  
STEINER   
"Captain Steiner, of the Knights of Pluto, ma'am!"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Steiner, eh?"   
  
STEINER   
"Yes ma'am! I have come to escort you to the dinner table, where a wonderful meal has been prepared for you."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"A meal, you say?"   
  
She licks her lips and gets off the throne.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Well, lead the way, Captain Steiner!"   
  
They both walk off towards the dinning room.   
  
INT. DINNING ROOM - EVENING   
  
The room is full of single men, who include: Baku, WEIMAR (PLUTO KNIGHT VII), CINNA, MARCUS, BLANK, MASTER QUALE, DOCTOR TOT, BLACK WALTZ 3, STILTZKIN, AND ARTANIA. Zidane and Dagger are also there. Everyone is talking at the same time.   
  
DAGGER   
"Okay, quiet everyone."   
  
The room falls silent.   
  
DAGGER   
"Now Mother should be here any minute, so-"   
  
BAKU   
"Huh? What's this about your mother?"   
  
CINNA   
"Aw, that old hag hasn't been invited too, has she? She'll ruin everythin'!"   
  
DAGGER   
"No, uh, I think there's something you all should know. Um, you're all here tonight as potential dates for Mother."   
  
EVERYONE MINUS ZIDANE AND DAGGER   
"What?!?!"   
  
DAGGER   
"Yeah, so... uh, never mind. Here she comes."   
  
Queen Brahne and Steiner enter the room.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Oh my! What's all this? Guests at this time of night?"   
  
QUINA   
"If you like to take seat, your dinner will be ready shortly, Your Majesty."   
  
Queen Brahne sits down at the end of the table. The guests squirm.   
  
DAGGER   
"Would you like a glass of wine before dinner, Mother?"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Yes, and um... Garnet?"   
  
DAGGER   
"Yes Mother?"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Garnet, I couldn't help notice that this room is full of men..."   
  
DAGGER   
"Oh really, Mother? I can't say I noticed myself. Hee hee!"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"What on Gaia is going on?"   
  
DAGGER   
"I'm sure I have no idea."   
  
Queen Brahne frowns quizically.   
  
EXT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - NIGHT   
  
Laughter can be heard inside the castle.   
  
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - NIGHT   
  
The guests, and Queen Brahne, are laughing and having a good time at the table, which is full of different types of food and drink.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
(Relaxed)   
"Oh my goodness! It sounds to me as if you got rather drunk that night, Doctor Tot."   
  
TOT   
(Drunk)   
"Y-Yes, why I, what?"   
  
ZIDANE   
"Ha! You think THAT'S drunk?! Lemme tell you about bein' wasted!"   
  
INT. ALEXANDRIA TAVERN - FLASHBACK   
  
Tantalus are at the bar with assorted alcoholic drinks.   
  
CINNA   
(Drunk)   
" You wan' another beer, Zidane?"   
  
ZIDANE   
"Um, I kinda promised Dagger that I wouldn't get loaded."   
  
BAKU   
"Whut?! Ya gotta take orders from a chick now?! That makes me laugh!"   
  
Baku throws up over the bar.   
  
CINNA   
(Wipes up the puke with a cloth)   
"Oh, jeez!"   
  
ZIDANE   
"Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to have just a few more beers..."   
  
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - (REALITY)   
  
Zidane takes a sip of his beer.   
  
ZIDANE   
"...A few more beers, I said. Must've been more than a few, cause the next day I woke up in the countryside near Dali. Boy, was my head ever sore."   
  
BAKU   
(Checks his watch)   
"Oh, wow. Is that the time already? Geez, I, uh, I better be goin' now. I got stuff to do tomorrow."   
  
DAGGER   
"Oh, do you really have to leave so early, Baku?"   
  
BAKU   
"Early?! It's friggin' two thirty in tha mornin'!"   
  
He gets up from his chair.   
  
BAKU   
"Uh, thanks for invitin' me, Your Majesty."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"I didn't invite you."   
  
BAKU   
"Oh yeah... well, uh, thanks for invitin' me, Princess."   
  
DAGGER   
"No problem!"   
  
EXT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - NIGHT   
  
Black Waltz 3, Cinna, Marcus, Blank and Doctor Tot all stumble out through the front doors.   
  
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - NIGHT   
  
Queen Brahne, Zidane, Dagger, Weimar, Master Quale, Stiltzkin and Artania are the only people left. The last of the wine is guzzled down by Zidane, who then burps.   
  
ZIDANE   
"Well, I think it's... time we hit the sack, do-don't you think, babe?"   
  
He puts his arm around Weimar and buries his head onto his shoulders.   
  
WEIMAR   
(Shoots back)   
"Ergh!"   
  
ZIDANE   
(Looks up)   
"Oh sorry, I thought you were Dagger."   
  
DAGGER   
"G'night everybody!"   
  
She and Zidane get up.   
  
DAGGER   
(Quietly to Queen Brahne)   
"And good luck to you, too!"   
  
Dagger giggles like a drunken school girl and leaves the room with Zidane. Queen Brahne looks puzzled.   
  
STILTZKIN   
"Is there anymore wine left, kupo?"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"The monkey-boy peasant drank the last of it."   
  
STILTZKIN   
"Oh darn, kupo..."   
  
Stiltzkin looks around the table.   
  
STILTZKIN   
"Well, I think I'll go home, kupo."   
  
WEIMAR   
"See ya, Moogle!"   
  
Stiltzkin gets up and walks out of the room.   
  
ARTANIA   
"Thank you for the meal, Queen Brahne. It was wonderful."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Oh, don't mention it..."   
  
She stares across the table in a trance. Fluffy love hearts appear above her head.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
(Continued)   
"...you gorgeous, handsome thing!"   
  
It turns out Queen Brahne is looking at Master Quale.   
  
QUALE   
"The food was adequate... I tasted better though. Mostly from my toilet."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"I-I'm in love..."   
  
WEIMAR   
(Notices Queen Brahne's dopey gaze)   
"I-oh! Hoh boy! I should be some place else right now!"   
  
Weimar gets up and hurries out of the room. Queen Brahne continues to stare at Quale.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Master Quale, isn't it?"   
  
QUALE   
"Who? Where?"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"I have a... another bottle of wine in the fridge. Would you care to stay for a night cap?"   
  
QUALE   
"No, I no wear them."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Oh, and a comedian too!"   
  
QUALE   
"What? Who?"   
  
EXT. ALEXANDRIA - NEXT MORNING   
  
The sun rises from behind the mountains.   
  
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - MORNING   
  
Queen Brahne rolls over in her bed. She smiles and opens her eyes slowly. She looks across and giggles.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
(To O.S)   
"Good morning, lover."   
  
Master Quale is asleep beside her. He opens his eyes and they widen in horror.   
  
QUALE   
"Oh God... What I done?!"   
  
INT. DINNING ROOM - MORNING   
  
Zidane, Dagger, Steiner and Vivi are all sitting at the table. Quina is behind them, serving out their breakfast.   
  
ZIDANE   
(Rubbing his head)   
"Ow, my head... Dagger, if I ever drink another beer again, I want you to kill me."   
  
QUINA   
"Anyone want open beer I find in fridge with breakfast?"   
  
ZIDANE   
(Reverts back to normal and raises his hand)   
"Right here!"   
  
Quina hands Zidane the beer, who then drinks it. Queen Brahne and Master Quale walk, hand in hand, into the room and sit down at the table.   
  
DAGGER   
"..."   
  
STEINER   
"..."   
  
VIVI   
(To the camera)   
"...What?"   
  
INT. QUEEN BRAHNE'S CHAMBER - DAY   
  
Queen Brahne and Dagger are there.   
  
DAGGER   
"You and Master Quale are what?!"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"An item."   
  
DAGGER   
"...What?!"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Qualie Poos and I realised we had so much in common, we decided to try and form some kind of... relationship... some kind of sexual relationship."   
  
DAGGER   
(Puts her hands over her mouth)   
"Oh God...!"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Are you alright, Garnet?"   
  
DAGGER   
"Y-Yes, Mother... I'm just a little... shocked, I guess."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Shocked? Why ever for?"   
  
DAGGER   
"...I suppose I never thought you'd ever get it together with anyone ever again after Father."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Well, technically he was never YOUR real father, dear. Actually, this might be a good time to tell you that I'm not really YOUR real mother, either."   
  
DAGGER   
(Rolls her eyes)   
"Oh, gee, you really know how to screw a girl up inside, don't you, Mother?"   
  
INT. GARNET'S BEDROOM - DAY   
  
Zidane and Dagger are in the room. Zidane is laughing.   
  
DAGGER   
"What? Is it really that funny?"   
  
ZIDANE   
(Sheds a tear)   
"I-I'm sorry, babe, but man, the thought of Queen Brahne and Master Quale together in THAT way... it's so..."   
  
He bursts out laughing again.   
  
DAGGER   
"Zidane!"   
  
ZIDANE   
"I mean, goddamn, I'm surprised Quale can find her bush inbetween all that fat. Talk about wide load."   
  
DAGGER   
"Zidane!"   
  
ZIDANE   
"It makes me wonder just who sucks whose titties! Ha ha ha!"   
  
DAGGER   
"I'm warning you!"   
  
ZIDANE   
"I hope her bedposts are solid enough. We wouldn't want 'em crashin' down on us in the middle of the night now, would we?"   
  
DAGGER   
"That's enough!"   
  
ZIDANE   
"Nah, I don't think I'm done yet. I could keep this up all day."   
  
EXT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - DAY   
  
Queen Brahne and Master Quale are in the burial ground.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Ah, isn't it a beautiful day, my sweet?"   
  
QUALE   
"Yes. Whatever."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
(Seductively)   
"Does it not make you want to rip off my clothes and make love to me up against the stony tombstones in hot, steamy passion?"   
  
QUALE   
"...Not really. That thought make me sick."   
  
Queen Brahne leans up against a tombstone.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Do me!"   
  
QUALE   
"...I rather not."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"As your Queen I order you to make love to me! Rock my world, please!"   
  
QUALE   
(Sighs)   
"...Very well."   
  
Queen Brahne pulls Quale to the ground and begins to moan orgasmically, as we pan up to the clear blue sky. In another part of the burial ground, BLUTZEN (PLUTO KNIGHT II) AND KOHEL (PLUTO KNIGHT III) walk towards the lovers' tombstone.   
  
KOHEL   
"Those teenage lovers are around here somewhere, you mark my words."   
  
BLUTZEN   
"Why must we always sneak up on couples' love sessions? It's so perverted!"   
  
KOHEL   
"Perverted?! Ha! What in this day and age ISN'T classified as perverted?!"   
  
He listens carefully for the sounds of orgasm.   
  
KOHEL   
"Hello, I think we've got them!"   
  
They peak over the tombstone, where Brahne and Quale are hidden behind.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE (O.S)   
"Aahh!"   
  
KOHEL   
"Oh, holy Jesus!"   
  
BLUTZEN   
"Good lord!"   
  
The two knights puke up.   
  
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - NIGHT   
  
Zidane and Dagger are in bed. They both have their pillows over their ears. Zidane slowly removes his.   
  
ZIDANE   
"Whew..."   
  
He taps Dagger on the shoulder.   
  
ZIDANE   
"It's okay. They've stopped."   
  
Dagger takes the pillow away from her ears.   
  
DAGGER   
"What?"   
  
ZIDANE   
"I said they've stopped."   
  
DAGGER   
"Phew... thank goodness!"   
  
ZIDANE   
"Y'know, I'm not sure of how much more of this I can take. If they don't stop soon, then I think we'll have to castrate them both."   
  
DAGGER   
"Zidane, only men can be castrated."   
  
ZIDANE   
"Heh, yeah I know. That was another one of my funnies. I think only the most intelligent people'll be able to get the joke, though."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE (O.S)   
(Muffled)   
"That was incredible. Let us go again."   
  
QUALE (O.S)   
(Muffled)   
"Again?! I rather sleep."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE (O.S)   
"Oh, come on. Buck up, little guy. I'll give you one hundred more for another romp."   
  
ZIDANE   
"Argh! I can't take this anymore!"   
  
Zidane stuffs the pillow around his ears again.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE (O.S)   
(Orgasmically)   
"Oh Qualie!"   
  
DAGGER   
"Will someone please pass me a bucket?"   
  
INT. DINNING ROOM - NEXT DAY   
  
Zidane, Dagger, Steiner and Vivi are all sitting at the table.   
  
ZIDANE   
"...And they were at it for six hours, non-stop. I didn't get to sleep until 3:00am. Her and that Quale guy's love sessions are drivin' me nuts!"   
  
STEINER   
"The Queen has just discovered true love again. Don't you remember the last time you felt so strongly about someone?"   
  
ZIDANE   
"Hmm..."   
  
INT. LINDBLUM CASTLE - FLASHBACK   
  
Zidane is laid up in bed, inside the Guest Room. Dagger is beside the bed.   
  
DAGGER   
"...Why did you do it, Zidane?"   
  
ZIDANE   
"I had to do it, Dagger. Because..."   
  
DAGGER   
"Because...?"   
  
ZIDANE   
"Because I cannot live without you. I love you too much."   
  
DAGGER   
"...Zidane?"   
  
ZIDANE   
"I love you more than I should. I love you more than love itself."   
  
DAGGER   
"...Now you've confused me."   
  
ZIDANE   
"When we split up it felt like my world had ended. And my world did end, because you are my world, Dagger."   
  
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - (REALITY)   
  
Quina enters the room.   
  
QUINA   
"Breakfast is served!"   
  
S/he sets the trays onto the table. The party begin to eat.   
  
ZIDANE   
"Well I still say the Queen's behaviour is unacceptable. Love in that way is meant for the under 25s only."   
  
DAGGER   
"Maybe I should have a chat with Mother. Perhaps I could make her see sense."   
  
STEINER   
"Princess, with all due respect, I don't think the Queen's love life is any of your business. Please, please just try and be happy for her, I beg of you. Do not interfere with her affairs."   
  
Dagger contemplates this, while the party continue to eat.   
  
INT. QUEEN BRAHNE'S CHAMBER - DAY   
  
Dagger is with Queen Brahne at her throne.   
  
DAGGER   
"Mother, I think you should break up with Master Quale."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"What? Why on earth for?"   
  
DAGGER   
"He-He's not right for you, Mother! You're both two completely different people! You're far better than the likes of him! I mean, you're a Queen, for goodness sake!"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Garnet, my dear. You understand so little."   
  
DAGGER   
"Huh? No Mother, I understand perfectly! You're in love with a pathetic lowlife! What's not to understand?!"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"I will not be spoken to in such manner! At ease!"   
  
DAGGER   
"..."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"I do not see how you can criticize me for my choice in men! You've hardly picked the most intelligent fruit of the tree yourself, you know!"   
  
DAGGER   
"...You're referring to Zidane, right?"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Yes... Zidane. I seem to have warned you countless times about him myself."   
  
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - FLASHBACK   
  
Queen Brahne is talking to Dagger in her private chamber.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"I'm worried about you, Garnet."   
  
DAGGER   
"What do you mean?"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"I think you are spending too much time with that young scoundrel."   
  
DAGGER   
"You're talking about Zidane?"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"He is a bad influence. I would prefer it if you did not associate with him anymore."   
  
DAGGER   
"Wait a minute. Are you saying that you don't want me to hang out with Zidane ever again?"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"You are a princess, dear. You are far too important and respected to affiliate with peasants such as this Zidane person."   
  
DAGGER   
"Mother, I... I cannot live without Zidane. He is the reason I wake up every morning, and the reason why I go to bed every night."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Silence! I do not wish to hear all the gory details! If you do not agree to co-operate, then I have no alternative but to use desperate measures to make sure that you do not meet up with him again!"   
  
DAGGER   
"Desperate measures?!"   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Think very carefully, Garnet. If you really care for the boy, then you will obey my request."   
  
INT. QUEEN BRAHNE'S CHAMBER - (REALITY)   
  
Dagger has listened to Queen Brahne.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"You never listened to me... so why should I listen to you?"   
  
DAGGER   
"...That's so ironic. I-I think I understand now, Mother. I'm sorry."   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Hmph!"   
  
Master Quale enters the room. He's in his undies.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
(To Dagger)   
"Now if you'll excuse us..."   
  
Dagger walks off.   
  
QUEEN BRAHNE   
"Lose the underpants, Mister 7 inches."   
  
Quale sighs.   
  
INT. DINNING ROOM - AFTERNOON   
  
Zidane and Dagger are standing near the table.   
  
DAGGER   
"...So in the end I decided to let Mother ruin her own life. She's old and ugly enough to choose who she wants to spend the rest of her days with. Who am I to stand in her way?"   
  
ZIDANE   
"...But that means we'll still have to put up with her orgasmic screams every night. This sucks."   
  
DAGGER   
"Yeah, well... it's no worse than us. Besides, these kind of relationships never usually last. I mean, in a few weeks they'll probably get fed up of each other and everything'll be back to normal."   
  
INT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - TEN YEARS LATER   
  
Queen Brahne and Master Quale are both sitting in Queen Brahne's private chamber. Master Quale is wearing a golden crown. He has become the King of Alexandria. Zidane and Dagger, both ten years older, are standing over by the doorway.   
  
ZIDANE   
"'Besides, these kind of relationships never usually last. In a few weeks they'll probably get fed up of each other and everything'll be back to normal.' You are such a lier, Dagger!"   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
THE END   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


End file.
